If ever you take a 1 hour trip to the top of a mountain in Russia, and the biathlon competition gets cancelled, follow these rules:
1) Make friends with an awesome French dude. Sing the French national anthem with him (P.S. Learn some foreign anthems. It’s good for you.)
2) Buy your booze before the concession stand closes, pretty much as soon as you hear the event is cancelled.
3) Do not, I repeat, do NOT get into the ridiculous line to go back down the mountain. This is insanity at its best.
4) Find the stage. That one playing a mix of American hits and Russian electronika. If there is no one dancing, pull out your American flag and start dancing. The Russians will arrive in droves to “make a photo” and dance with you. Try to get them to limbo under your flag. Fail.
5) Find the snowmobiles. Just in case you need another way down the mountain. Think like James Bond. In the meantime, take 20 photos of yourself with the snowmobiles. And the security guys guarding them. Bonus points if they LOOK like Bond villains.
6) Video the 90% Russian crowd with you. They’re unintentionally funny.
7) Find the bar next to the gondola down the mountain that the tricksy concessions people hid from you. On the way in, grab some Haribo from that crazy German dude with a stuffed eagle that’s Parrot sized.
8) Accidentally wander into a team area and get your photo with two handsome German Olympian speed skaters, after asking them for directions in German, like they’re your tour guides. Get their thoughts on how humiliating it is to wear ugly neon outfits at opening ceremonies when you’re a badass.
9) Make Russian volunteer (who is a dead ringer for your Russkie MBA roomie) wait for you while you pee, before he personally guides you down the mountain after it seems to be closed.
10) Negotiate your cab ride home with a group of “taxi” drivers. Yell “nyet” when you do not get the price you want. Don’t be surprised when you go home in an auto with no seatbelts. Be thankful they are not drunk like your taxi driver from the other night.
11) Drink the welcome home vodka shot. Because this has been one of the best nights of your life. Ever. #sochi2014
